The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.




My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.





Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[paul]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh  

He inquired,  --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.' "

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Sunshine Coast, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from the Sunshine Coast are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, "I will create Canberra - wait till you see the idiots I'll put there.”

[paul]

There are two sisters. One is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly....

[paul]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokers and how al blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[truck]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies: “The word was ....CELEBRATE!"

[paul]

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
and was asked where he was going at that time of night ...
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking..... and staying out late at night.
The officer asked, "Really? So, who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "My wife  !!"

[Hammy]

It was a sombre moment at the funeral for the departed parking inspector, as they lowered the coffin into the grave.
About half way down they stopped as a voice could be heard from inside the casket. "Let me out !  Let me out ! I'm not dead "
The priest leaned over the grave and replied. "F----n sorry about that, but the paper work has already been done".

[madmax]

What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What’s the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.

Why does it take longer for a woman to orgasm than a man? Who cares?

What’s the difference between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Why do black men cry during sex? Mace.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.

What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

What’s the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you’re crushing my cigarettes.

What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? An easy bake oven.

How do you know when a redneck has her period? She’s only wearing one sock.

How do you get 100 ethiopians into a phone box? Throw a tin of beans in.

How do you get them out? Run past with a tin opener.

How did the Grand Canyon get there? Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

How do you kill 100 Ethiopians? Throw a Biscuit off a cliff.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.

What do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill? An avalanche.

What do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill? A mudslide

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill? A jailbreak

If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who’s driving? The police.

Did you hear about the guy who was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality? He gave it up because he was flogging a dead horse.

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
“Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.
“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house.

Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

I’m not racist, I have a color TV.

[paul]

Seems to be all there .......I don't think you missed anyone out 

[2wheelsagain]

It does qualify for the thread doesn't it!

[barry_mcki]

A picture is worth a thousand words.....



and some things you just can't unsee....  

[paul]

I may never google anything again     ( looks like he's got a part missing   )

[madmax]

That's it! I'm opening a twitter account

[paul]

That's it! I'm opening a twitter account

Just don't make a " Twit " of yourself if you do MM 

[Hammy]

That's it! I'm opening a twitter account

Just don't make a " Twit " of yourself if you do MM 

Glad you spelt that right Paul. 

[barry_mcki]

Didn't know whether this belonged here or in the Nature thread.......

[paul]

[truck]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[paul]

Tarzan and Jane
 
When Jane met Tarzan she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, “Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and lay on the ground.
“Here,” she said, pointing to her groin, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch.
Jane rolled in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
 
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

[paul]

A GOOD DOCTOR


A husband and his wife went to the doctor. The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doctor gave him an examination and told him he would see his wife.

The doctor took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said "Ok, you can get dressed now, and I will go and talk to your husband."

Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband "You can relax! There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

[paul]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pie!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan

[Chook]

A cop stops a motorcycle for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Chook]

Old Bob the drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut. 
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. 
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. 
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. 
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[paul]

[paul]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather

Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full,

so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to

visit Grandpa. “How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

“It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and

respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the

wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat

the residents,"

Abdullah said with

a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't

played the violin in 20 years, and everyone

still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been

on the bench in 30 years and everyone

still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a

tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me –

I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me 
The Fucking Arab

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