The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

A blonde walks into a doctors surgery and says, "Oh doctor, please help me, I have terrible pains wracking my whole body, it hurts everywhere."
"Look" she said, and touched her arm. "Ouch"
Then she touched her leg and her ribs. "Ouch,Ouch" she said.
"It,s ok" said the doctor, "dont panic, I can see what the problem is."
"Oh please tell me" said the blonde. "It hurts so much."
"You have a broken finger" says the doctor.

[paul]

What do you call a smart blonde?.

A Golden retriever.

[paul]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;   "Windows frozen, won't open.”   Husband texts back; "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."   Wife texts back 5 minutes later; "Computer really stuffed now."

   

[madmax]

[madmax]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
                 

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
                           
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
                                               
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
                         
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
                       
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[paul]

[Chook]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?



HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes

[Re-Cycled]

Oh You mean this?

[paul]

So if you two have figured all that out , yours must be  very happy & harmonious homes indeed ............

[Chook]

So if you two have figured all that out , yours must be  very happy & harmonious homes indeed ............

Nah, she just keeps finding more shit to add to the list 

[paul]

So if you two have figured all that out , yours must be  very happy & harmonious homes indeed ............

Nah, she just keeps finding more shit to add to the list 

And I take it she never checks out this forum 

[Chook]

I'm not suicidal Paul

[Chook]

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.


The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
MUM FAINTED!!!

[Chook]

Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence
MAN: Oh Shit.

[2wheelsagain]

[paul]

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker..

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

[Chook]

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, 
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left .....and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. 
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[madmax]

It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
Some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.



Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.



Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
Million pounds worth of improvements.



Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
Anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 3.



Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just On standby.



 They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.



Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
Doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!



A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"

[paul]

[paul]

From now on...... I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad........ I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today." I told him I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my fucking car was gone!

[madmax]

[paul]

What happens to a politician who takes Viagra?
He grows taller...


Why did the post office have to recall the "politician" stamps?
People kept spitting on the wrong side...


Lord, give me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the strength of will to change the things that need changing, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who get in my way...


Join the Army, Meet interesting people, Kill them...


Whats black and brown and looks good on politicians?
A doberman...

What do you have when a politician is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand...


If Tony Abbott and Campbell Newman were both about to be burnt to death in a fire, and you could only save one of them, would you make a cup of coffee or take a nap?


How do you stop a politician from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!


How long does it take for a female politician to have a shit?
Nine months...


What do you call an Atheist Insomniac Dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog...


What do you call a man who has been lucky in love?
A bachelor...


What,s the difference between a woman and a cyclone?
Nothing, they start with a bit of blowing and you end up losing your house...

[Chook]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where
he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded
with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going
to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments,
asked the irritated nun?
He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect."
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law!!..

[barry_mcki]

And now something for us old farts.....

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .........

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

[Sponsored content]