The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question.


Critical Thinking
At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year
, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[madmax]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the vicars wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after church is finished for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the vicar , asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the vicar gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the vicar "My friend is sleeping with YOUR wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The vicar smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd BETTER hurry home now. My wife died a year ago!!..

[Chook]

One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, thanks," he replied.
"You look frazzled," the woman said, "come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a provocative sun dress, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse."
She was very persuasive....and he was weak.
"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson, manoeuvring him close and intimately as she guided his practice strokes.
Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."
"Don't be silly!" the woman said with a smile, "We're here -- and where is she?"
"I would imagine she's still under the cart," he replied.

[madmax]

An Irishman, named Mick, takes part in a TV quiz show.
His first question was; what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
He thought for a moment and then gave his answer - "Today and Tomorrow".
The quiz master was rather taken aback by this and had to call in the adjudicator who said that Mick was indeed correct even though that particular answer was not on the answer sheet.
His second question was; “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Almost immediately Mick answered "12".
"How on earth can there be only 12?" asked the question master.
"Easy" says Mick - "2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March and so on".
Once again the adjudicator was called and once again he said that Mick was indeed correct.
Now, his third and final question was; “What was the name of the swagman in the song "Waltzing Matilda?”
Mick, silently went through the words of the song in his head.
"It's Andy", he said.
"OK", said the question master, "Please tell us how you have reached that answer".
So Mick began to sing;-
“Once a jolly swagman sat by a billabong under the shade of a coolabah tree
ANDY sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled
You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.”
Good old Mick went home with a £5,000 cheque.

[paul]

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:



"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth.
As we get closer to November of this election year, citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me. And I simply blew it".


Monica Lewinsky

[paul]

Humor to Offend Everyone 





I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? 

The wife's back on the warpath again. 
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. 
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. 
So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers." 

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

[Chook]

[madmax]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. " I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."

[madmax]

[paul]

[size=48]Complaints to Harrow[/size] [size=48]Council[/size]

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink..

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces..

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

[paul]

An Irish Apology



Apology from a Belfast Hospital...SUCH COMPASSION




DEAR MR. MURPHY,



We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.



We deeply regret the amputation.

[paul]

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her 
what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.


 The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. 

The waiting room erupted in laughter. 

[paul]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.' 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' 

The old man replied, 'its fart football.' 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....' 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.' 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 
'2- 2, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. 

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' 

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[2wheelsagain]

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. 
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. 

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

[paul]

Glad to see you " cleaned " that joke up a bit  

[madmax]

Irish Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!!

[truck]

A local business organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person representing the company and in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Argh, no our research . . .."
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea".
"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any to you?"

[paul]

>>> These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
>>>
>>> ADULT:
>>> A person who has stopped growing at both ends
>>> and is now growing in the middle. 
>>>
>>> BEAUTY PARLOR:
>>> A place where women curl up and dye. 
>>>
>>> CHICKENS:
>>> The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 
>>>
>>> COMMITTEE:
>>> A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
>>>
>>> DUST:
>>> Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
>>>
>>> EGOTIST:
>>> Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
>>>
>>> HANDKERCHIEF:
>>> Cold Storage. 
>>>
>>> INFLATION:
>>> Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
>>>
>>> MOSQUITO:
>>> An insect that makes you like flies better. 
>>>
>>> RAISIN:
>>> A grape that got too much sun. 
>>>
>>> SECRET:
>>> Something you tell to one person at a time. 
>>>
>>> SKELETON:
>>> A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
>>>
>>> TOOTHACHE: 
>>> The pain that drives you to extraction. 
>>>
>>> TOMORROW:
>>> One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 
>>>
>>> YAWN:
>>> An honest opinion openly expressed.
>>>
>>> And MY Personal Favorite!
>>> WRINKLES:
>>> Something other people have, 
>>> Similar to my character lines.

[2wheelsagain]

"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any to you?"

That's a ripper mate

[truck]

"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why would I give any to you?"

That's a ripper mate

Yep, glad you like it.
My problem is I like jokes so I have a freakish ability to remember them for yrs. Can be really annoying when someone is telling me a joke and I remember the punch line from 20yrs ago  . . .

[paul]

An old guy  goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, "Very good".
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One...
two.
three."

[Re-Cycled]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.


"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mum and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.


"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[paul]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately
explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

*Here is his astute answer:*

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year
old Scotch!

[paul]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.


One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"


The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"


Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.


Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.


"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.


"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.


Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."


At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.


The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"


Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man. "Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.


For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

[paul]

A glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who
don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in
their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:
“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.”
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists
have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) –
bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop
annually..
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol
has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit .

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