The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!
Wayne was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.
Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'
The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade...'

This isn't a case of " the names of the guilty have been changed to protect the innocent " is it Dave ?   

[Chook]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a
seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.


Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.


They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded onto their row boat.


After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'


Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.


'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'


After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water
is only up to his belly, so they row on.


Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'


Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No
dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.


So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side
and disappears.


Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.


'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'


'Aye 'tis,


NOW hand me dat shovel.'

[paul]

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

[paul]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."

[aussie]

December calendar. (This will be the only time you will see this phenomenon in your life.)
S  M  T  W   T   F  S
                               1
2   3   4   5   6   7   8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31
The month of December this year will have 5 Saturdays 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays. It only happens once every 823 years.

The Chinese call it "BAG FULL OF MONEY".  Send this message to all your friends and within 4 days the money will surprise you.  Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not transmit this message can lose this great opportunity ... I do my part, you never know!

[paul]

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”
He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.”
At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive.
So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!”
And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Colin.”

[Chook]

So I said to the Gym instructor........


"Can you teach me to do the splits?". 


She said "How flexible are you?". 


I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

[Chook]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

“ P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk”
I love you!





Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[paul]

[Chook]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed  instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
 Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, ‘I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'


Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[BanditDave]

A woman is going on a fishing trip with some friends.
She goes into a store to purchase a fishing rod and reel.

However, she doesn't know which one to get.
She grabs the first one she sees and goes over to the register.
A store employee stands there wearing dark sunglasses.

"Excuse me sir," she says. "Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

"I'm blind," the man replies
."But if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the

sound it makes."

She struggled to believe him but decided to drop it on the counter anyway...?..
."That's a graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and a 4.5kg test line," he explains.
"It's a good all-rounder rod and reel and it's $60."

"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter,"
the woman exclaims. "I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

The man walks behind the counter to the register.
Just as he does so the woman lets out a fart.

At first she feels embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her.
Being blind he wouldn't know that she is the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says: "That will be $65.50".
The woman is confused and replies:
"But didn't you say it was $60?"

"Yes that's right," the man says.
"The rod and reel is $60,
the duck call is $3 and the catfish stinky bait is $2.50."

[BanditDave]

TWO Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. 

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow mate, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." 

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the heavy gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three and heaved it in. 

As they were standing there, looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, right up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "G'day, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 160 KPH and jumped head first into this hole!" 

The old farmer said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box.

[Chook]

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. 
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. 
Finally it was agreed that they try Hurley’s in Rathmines because they had never been there before.

[paul]

[Chook]

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, they turned you down.

[BanditDave]

You may have seen this previously but at my age you would have already forgotten it!

A little girl leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

 

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

 

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[BanditDave]

[Chook]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?"







The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ...


..............I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[Chook]

Stolen from a mate who is a Irishman


Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[BanditDave]

Walking Eagle

Bill Shorten addressed a major gathering of Australian Aboriginal elders in Darwin.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Aboriginal's present standard of living.

Though vague in detail (as usual), he spoke about his ideas for helping his "sisters and brothers."
A short time afterwards, the elders presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new native language name, which translated into English as ‘Walking Eagle’, which he proudly accepted.
After Shorten left, a news reporter asked the elders how they came to select this name.

They explained that ‘Walking Eagle’ is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly !

[Chook]

Had a recent job interview, I was asked if I could perform Under Pressure. 






I explained my voice was more suited to Bohemian Rhapsody...............................................

[Chook]

[barry_mcki]

Oh I am so going to plagiarise that one 

[paul]

A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

[Chook]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

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