The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE…

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,

the patrol man kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't

told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his

hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape,

the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

[Chook]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. 

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." 

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." 

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[madmax]

[madmax]

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

[madmax]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

[madmax]

A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my family jewels inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone
£100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up
in the back of the bar.
A pretty blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[Chook]

Brisbane job interview

A man went to a Wickham Terrace Specialist in Brisbane, having seen an advert for a Gynecologist Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and Read to him:  "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage………
……… and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is $65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Gympie ".

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered,  "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

[Chook]

[Bosco15]

A guy out for a weekend ride stops into a country pub that he hasn't visited before. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer. After a while he notices a whole lot of meat hanging from the ceiling.  
"What's the deal with the meat?" He asks the bar tender.  
" Aw, that's a local thing. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get a free beer. If you can't, you get to shout the pub. Are you game enough to try, young fella?" The barman replies.  
" Bugger that" he says "The stakes are too high!"

Boom, tish.

[Re-Cycled]

A guy out for a weekend ride stops into a country pub that he hasn't visited before. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer. After a while he notices a whole lot of meat hanging from the ceiling.  
"What's the deal with the meat?" He asks the bar tender.  
" Aw, that's a local thing. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get a free beer. If you can't, you get to shout the pub. Are you game enough to try, young fella?" The barman replies.  
" Bugger that" he says "The stakes are too high!"



Boom, tish.

...or did he say "...the steaks are too high"?

[Bosco15]

Thanks for explaining that, Pete. 
It's a joke that doesn't translate well to script.

[paul]

Thanks for explaining that, Pete. 
It's a joke that doesn't translate well to script.

You two blokes may have to meat in the middle on this one ...............hang on , that would make it a steak sandwich then wouldn't it ...................carry on 

[Re-Cycled]

Thanks for explaining that, Pete. 
It's a joke that doesn't translate well to script.

Oh?? I was trying to muddy the waters.

[paul]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... and then ..... He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ........
reaching towards him with its left paw ..... and raising the right paw to strike ...


At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ...

"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ........
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

... a pause ...


"Very well," said the voice ...


The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ....
the bear dropped his right arm ...
brought both paws together ...
bowed his head & spoke...


"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.

Amen."

[madmax]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[madmax]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,
"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!

[madmax]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter.
The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;
metal, wood,stone,...Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, She will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom rejoiced.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived Happily ever after.





Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking, you pervert??..

[paul]

So ... A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.


A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.


He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."



The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."

[madmax]

So ... A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.


A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.


He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."



The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."

Ouch!

[Chook]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[paul]

So ... A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.


A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.


He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."



The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."

Ouch!

Or " not " ouch may also be appropriate in this case

[paul]

Dad doing some entertaining at the restaurant ................

[Re-Cycled]

Nice Paul!

[2wheelsagain]

^^^^^ Banned!

[Chook]

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