The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[madmax]

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.



Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends arsehole you can hear her say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

[Chook]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Turnbull approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth"

[paul]

Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends arsehole you can hear her say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Trying to smell the ocean ?

[Chook]

Teacher: "Johnny, can you please name 3 great Kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Johnny: "Drin-King, Smo-King and Fuc-King"

[madmax]

Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends arsehole you can hear her say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Trying to smell the ocean ?

I thought it was the fish market.

[madmax]

[Chook]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below.

QUESTION: 

You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something 
that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. 
 However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Australia:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8.) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canada:
BANG !

America:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

[madmax]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below.

QUESTION: 

You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something 
that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. 
 However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Australia:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8.) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canada:
BANG !

America:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

Victorian Police Officer: Bang! ...........Head shot

[paul]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below.

QUESTION: 

You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something 
that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. 
 However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Australia:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8.) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

LOL Some years ago , I worked in security , & was told I was only allowed to shoot someone if they were close enough to stab me with the knife they were carrying , otherwise the gun must stay holstered ...........Practice your quick draw folks 

[truck]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

[paul]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

  If it left him slowly a little bit at a time  ( for that dramatic effect ), they could rehash Kenny Rogers song to " you picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel "

[Chook]

Did you hear about the bloke who took liquid paper instead of liquid Viagra?

He woke up with a huge correction!!

[madmax]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[paul]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Uh / Oh.................6 months to go for me ...................Kinda wondering just how much "more" daft I can get 

[Chook]

Two men drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week?"
"Oh Bugger!" says his friend, "... I just joined Rotary!"

[paul]

[madmax]

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

[Chook]

BREAKING NEWS, TEACHER ARRESTED !!



A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

[paul]

Very clever 

[BanditDave]

Here's one for the old folk. Are you there Paul?   Yep, I'm still here


A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE BED

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful,
uninterrupted night's sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....



Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
Which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
That acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!

[paul]

Here's one for the old folk. Are you there Paul?   Yep, I'm still here


A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE BED

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful,
uninterrupted night's sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....



Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
Which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
That acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!

A few trips to the loo during the night might be the most exercise some people get   .....................I generally sleep really well after a few reds ................I don't even hear the snoring from " somebody " that Sue complains about 

[truck]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car as he had done the years before.
That night, the man hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monk replies, “You must travel the earth and return to tell us the exact number of sand pebbles on the earth. When you find this number, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monk replies “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The source of the sound is behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound that he has been thinking about all these years.
 
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

[paul]

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" 
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." 

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. 

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." 

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" 

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. 

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. 

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will." 

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though." 

"Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

[truck]

Sky news just now reported a Wealthy Nigerian Businessman died and left his money to be divided between his two cats.

Apparently he tried giving it away several times over the years but no-one ever responded to his emails.

[madmax]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

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