The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

A rookie police officer pulled a motorcyclist over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Rider: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Rider: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Rider: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Rider: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Rider: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Rider: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Rider: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Rider: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Rider: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Rider: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[paul]

Dear Benefits Office Manager
 
My name is Mohammed Reza and I live in Bankstown, and I would like to present before you the following story.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit
 
Sincerely yours,

Mohammed.

[paul]

Sex after Death!!
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and  inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest  fear was that there
was no after-life at all.
 
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion... "
 
"Is that you, Bob?"
 
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
 
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
 
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then  it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun  and then
have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be  proud - lots
of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then  pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex  Until
late at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it
starts all over again".
 
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
 
"No -- I'm a rabbit, living somewhere near  Mildura.”

[truck]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[paul]

> Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:

 You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

 On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
 On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

 Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
 overtake it.

 Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

 What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?




> Get off the fuck'n merry-go-round and go home, you silly old bugger!

[madmax]

[paul]

[paul]

Hilary Clinton...
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious!! Here she is, in the middle of her election campaign -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You bastard!"

How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!

How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..............

Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper.."Who's calling?"

[Chook]

Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and
demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On
the Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great
awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great
Stone's hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but
luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"
Guess what !!
Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............"
* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*

[2wheelsagain]

^^^^^

[paul]

When you are over seventy..... I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy..............who cares? ********** I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy..............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try" After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over seventy..............who cares? *********** I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares? *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

[barry_mcki]

Solves the wet crotch problem with your wet weather gear:

[Chook]

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:


"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'


“Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.


Harold is an inspiration to us all.

[madmax]

Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.

[madmax]

After three years of marriage, Mary was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with..?"
"Baby, " he protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Mary promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her the truth.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there was you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

[paul]

Subject: The Fastest Thing

Jennifer, a manager at the Gold Coast Council, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of'?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?',she asked the second man'.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.''
Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed'.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It?s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally, 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.'
Wally is now working at the Gold Coast Council..
__________________

[paul]

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway' Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves. What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? The wife. Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with you' I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me. I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life. Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.' A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache". A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!' Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

[truck]

---

Bill Shorten was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.

He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."

Shorten went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at the end of his bed. He asked,
John, how can I make this country better?
Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Again Shorten fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,
"Harold, how can I make this country better?
"Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!"

[Chook]

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. 
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. 
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’? 
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[paul]

  unfortunately some of us more than others 

[Chook]

[paul]

Just curious .............could anal bleaching be similar to changing your ring tone ?

[BanditDave]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheep dog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised

they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and ... put his arm around it.

But the sheep dog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening ... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity,

leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear:



'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[madmax]

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption!!!
The theory is that beer contains female hormones ( hops contain
Phytoestrogens ) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory
100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional
Couldn't drive.
Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing were considered necessary...

[paul]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


********************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."
******************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, he said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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