The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

^^^^^ Banned!

  ..................If you keep banning everybody , you'll be the only one on here   ..............Oh wait a minute, I see , a crafty way to add to your post score 

[Chook]

Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to
leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a
hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is
so popular.

Fred Goldstein, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota,
stands up and proclaims : “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with
a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says “If
the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 82, stands and announces with a smile : “If the
rabbi stays, I will give him sex.”

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and
holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:“Well, I just asked my husband how we could

help and he said : “Fuck him.”

[BanditDave]

BEST HOOKER JOKE

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"


The hooker says, "No. But I would .. . . If I had a pussy!"

[Bosco15]

Gold!

[madmax]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

[madmax]

[madmax]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in London.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the Blonde yells:

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee.”

[madmax]

Little johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.

[meggens85]

Irish Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealanders and Tasmanians!

[truck]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
He says "You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[BanditDave]

BREAKING NEWS
Police in Morphett Vale today pulled over a local car enthusiast and were amazed to find the car registered and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence .
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him $80 for wasting police time .

[Chook]

 Morphett Vale

You know paul's area better than most Queenslanders

[paul]

BREAKING NEWS
Police in Morphett Vale today pulled over a local car enthusiast and were amazed to find the car registered and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober.
He had a full licence .
A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him $80 for wasting police time .

And here was me thinking I was the only " model " citizen in the area ....................things are looking up 

[Chook]

The RMS clean-up crew found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Lidcombe recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The RMS then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[Bosco15]

Lol. 
They see me coming. I've heard them. 
"Mark!"

[madmax]

Son:  "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father:  "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son:  "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.The next morning he reported to his father.

Son:  "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father:  "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son:  "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

[paul]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!

[paul]

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he
snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with
him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I
just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that
Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's
man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed,
patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.
Mick sat up and watched me all night."

[paul]

A woman  goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her  grandson's birthday.
She  doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the  counter.

The  salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
 
 
She  says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and  reel?"

He  says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,  I can tell you everything

you need  to know about it from the  sound it makes."

She  doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He  says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel  and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's  actually on sale this week for $44."

She  says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it  dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As  she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh,  that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As  the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally  farts.
At  first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the  blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The  man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50  please."

The  woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't  you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get  $58.50?"

"The  Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[truck]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Your Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[paul]

GOLF PANTIES The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

[paul]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick in my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

[Chook]

Statistics show that the sexual position most used among married couples is doggy-style. 


The husband sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Re-Cycled]

Statistics show that the sexual position most used among married couples is doggy-style. 


The husband sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[paul]

Barry's Winky...... Barry decided to propose to Janice, but prior to her acceptance Janice felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Barry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Barry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Barry looked Janice in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.' She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.' Janice and Barry got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Barry whisked Janice off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Janice put her hands in Barry's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Barry ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!' 'Yes, it is Barry said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long!

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