The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

Teacher: Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?

Billy: None, the others would fly away

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think

Billy: I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating ice-cream, 1 licking, 1 sucking, 1 biting. Which one is married

Teacher: (nervously) The one sucking

Billy: The answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like the way that you think!!

[BanditDave]

Good advice... for Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
 
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
 
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
 
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
 
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
 
If you can relax without alcohol,
 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
 
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog
 
AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET ALL SPIRITUAL....
 
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
 
If you can't eat it or play with it,
 
Piss on it and walk away!!

[BanditDave]

https://youtu.be/aCIMYjqWxwA

[Primax]

Which doubleheader were you Dave?

[GSX1100G]

Love the "Just back from holiday" Slo-Sco-Mo at the end.
Stick it to him again

[BanditDave]

Which doubleheader were you Dave?

Tasmania, beautiful one day, perfect the next!

Now where do you suppose I got that from?

The moat, otherwise known as Bass Strait is a real asset.

[BanditDave]

Which doubleheader were you Dave?

Tasmania, beautiful one day, perfect the next!

Now where do you suppose I got that from?

The moat, otherwise known as Bass Strait is a real asset.

[madmax]

Love the "Just back from holiday" Slo-Sco-Mo at the end.
Stick it to him again  

[madmax]

https://youtu.be/aCIMYjqWxwA

So sad, but so true, our once great nation has become divided by the bigotry of a few.

If only it was as easy as throwing a few chops on the barbie

[truck]

A politician was visiting  a remote little rural town in outback Queensland and asked the locals what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs”, said the towns people.“First, we have a hospital but no doctor".

The politician whipped out his mobile phone, dialed a number, spoke for a while and then said loudly and proudly,“I have sorted that out, a doctor will arrive tomorrow. What is your second need"?

The towns people replied,“We have no mobile phone reception in our town…...” 

[paul]

[truck]

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in as quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide, 'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."
So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room Or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight That made his hair turn gray.
At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits As he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all And she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised, At last I've got a man!"
From under the pillow a gun she drew, And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me, I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck, He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

[truck]

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. 
They were sentenced to death by beheading. 
The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician ask to hear a rendering of the ALP's "It's Time".
The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would be on TV.
The SAS trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. 
This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.  
The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun.

Because, said the trooper, when we get back to Australia,  I don't want you pair of b!st$%ds saying it was an unprovoked attack !

[Chook]

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep ..............................







It was a Lamb Bikini

[GSX1100G]

I just saw a car being driven by a sheep ..............................







It was a Lamb Bikini

Topless ??

[Chook]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne and introduced him to God.


Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"


God said, "Ah, yes."


"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."


   1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
   2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
   3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
   4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...... and finally,
   5. Maintenance costs are outrageous.


"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."


God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.


"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Chook]

I got a motorcycle for my wife last week.

Best. Trade. Ever!

[Chook]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

[Chook]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[truck]

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says:
‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician:
‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful.
How much did you spend?‘
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check:
‘There’s no charge.’
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,‘ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
‘I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ 


‘So I just switched the heads.’  

[GSX1100G]

[Chook]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, 
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. 
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. 
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. 
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. 
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

[Chook]

Four guys were at hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." 
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot. 
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night." 
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it! 
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" 
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him on the cheek good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

[Chook]

JOKE OF THE DAY 


Two Crocodiles were basking by the side of the swamp near the river.
 The smaller one turned to the bigger one and says, "I can't understand how
 you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the
 same size as kids. I just don't get it."
 "Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
 "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
 "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
 "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings." 
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
 "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
 the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
 them and eat 'em!"
 "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
 getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
 out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

[Chook]

Two Medical Students were walking along the Street when they saw an Old Man walking with his Legs Spread Apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


 One Student said to his friend:-


 "I'm sure that poor Old Man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


 The other student says: 


"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his Legs are apart, just as we learned in Class."


 Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the Old Man..


 They approached him and one of the Students said to him, 


"We're Medical Students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the Syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is"..??


 The Old Man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."


 The 1st Student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


 The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


 The other Student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


 The Old Man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


 So they asked him, "Well, Old Timer, what do you have"..???


 The Old Man said, 


"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong Too..!

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