The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman in the Outback.
Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’



Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.




I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.’

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank in Australia

[Chook]

That's when the fight Started ....................


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

[GSX1100G]

Bahaha, a big collection

[BanditDave]

[GSX1100G]

New sex position.

During sex, Paddy suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops, to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
His wife: “What the hell are you doing???”
Paddy: “I've seen this new technique on an internet porn site... It's called 'Buffering!!..

[BanditDave]

May The Fourth Be With You
 
(borrowed from Star Wars)

[GSX1100G]

[rolls]

[ltr]In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.[/ltr]

[ltr]After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”[/ltr]

[ltr]Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.[/ltr]

[ltr]"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."[/ltr]

[ltr]"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”[/ltr]

[ltr]At that point, the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."[/ltr]

[GSX1100G]

[GSX1100G]

More Virus :
Everyone is posting memes and talking about coming out of this quarantine with a new skill or side hustle.
I’m just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there’s a turd in Saturday.

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything for the past 10 weeks!

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!

Take smug comfort in the fact that all the parents who never taught their kids respect and good behaviour are now stuck at home with them.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.

[paul]

OLD FOLKS HOME new rules

On her first day at the senior complex the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

Image

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older lady named Betty stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[GSX1100G]

[Chook]

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."


Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.


Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.


His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.


Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci,  *"How many people is a brazillion?"*

[Chook]

[rolls]

A couple of working girls were having a chat while waiting for punters. One says to the other, “Ere, you been picked up by the fuzz yet?” The other girl thinks for a moment then says, “Nah, not yet. Been swung round by my tits a few times though.”

[rolls]

Matey’s brushing his teeth one morning when he looks up into the mirror and notices a big zit like bump square in the middle of his forehead. Next morning it’s quite a bit bigger and on the third day it’s sticking out from his forehead by about half an inch. “Sod this, I’d better get down the doctors.” The doctor has a good look and prod and exclaims, “You appear to have a penis beginning to grow from the centre of your forehead. I’d say it’ll be fully developed in 4 weeks or so.” Matey’s crestfallen, “You’re telling me that every time I look in the mirror I’m gonna have to see this hideous appendage hanging out of my forehead?” With that, he starts crying. “Chin up”, says the quack, “I can assure you that wont be the case. You wont be seeing that.” Matey cheers up upon hearing that news. “You mean it’s treatable? Oh, thanks doc.” The doctor shakes his head, “Oh, no. it’s not treatable, but in 6 weeks the balls should be hanging over your eyes.”

[Chook]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

[BanditDave]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[GSX1100G]

[GSX1100G]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

[truck]

Asking for a friend
He's trying to remember the name of that TV show set in a bar with Ted Danson as the bar tender with a side kick named Woody, Shelley Long as the boss, Kelsey Gramer was a psychologist.
Can any one help us remember please?

Cheers.

[madmax]

Asking for a friend
He's trying to remember the name of that TV show set in a bar with Ted Danson as the bar tender with a side kick named Woody, Shelley Long as the boss, Kelsey Gramer was a psychologist.
Can any one help us remember please?

Cheers.

Sometimes the answer is right in front of you

[Chook]

Extra bad one from a young neighbour


What did the full glass say to the empty one?



I think you're drunk

[Primax]

Two blondes walking on opposite banks of a river, one says,how do you get to the other side? the other says,your already on the other side.

[Chook]

A bald mate who has been bald for 20 years still carries a comb with him, he just can't part with it .........................

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