Anxiety ,depression .

First topic message reminder :

I wanted to have a chat with Reardo since learning we both suffer from an anxiety disorder . I sent him a P.M about it but we decided we may as
well discus it On-line in the hope it may help someone else now, or , in the future . I was the last person who thought i would suffer from this as
i was always care free and easy going . You dont have to be an Anxious person to suffer from it .
I can only talk about my experience with it , others my be totally different.
I had a heart attack ,not like on TV there they go AAAARRRR and keel over . More like ,indigestion especially when having sex .(sorry about that ,
but important ) I had to have a stint put in a closed artery. Before the op i asked the surgeon are there any side affects . He went through a few
one being depression .Not knowing much about it i thought " i wont get that ,i'm not the type " and forgot about it .
Out of hospital 2 days later and fixed .One year later i needed another stint after a similar feeling .In hospital 2 days .There quick and good . Home .
12 months later perfectly well i walked out side to go for a ride and felt dizzy .Very strange i thought ,queasy stomach .Eaten something bad i thought.
Next day fine .Next day bad .next day fine ,next day bad .1 week good .1 week bad .Dizzy ,sick feeling fast hear rate .
This went on for 6 months with doctor saying "nothing wrong with you " Started to doubt i own sanity.
Then something very strange happened .We were due to go to Superbikes at P.I . I got this feeling ,carnt go too far. Unheard of for me i've done it
10 times .Next day ,of cause i can go .Day after too far .Started to worry about if i was loosing it ,causing faster heart rate ,which of cause makes
you worry more causing even faster hear rate and so on and so . At this stage i' still have no idea whats wrong with me .Have lost 2 stone because
food is not inviting .Nauseous remember.
One night i am feeling really bad .I have a blood pressure machine to check blood pressure ( what else ) OK is 120 \80
I'm getting 190\ 110 thats bad ,real bad . Like a panic attack i think .Bingo the "penny drops " .At last i find out why i feel so bad .
Panic Attack .
Now ive been blessed with a great homelife with a g\friend that i dearly love .No problems, and a life that has been great .Life has been fun .
And yet i now suffer panic attacks .Yet ,i have nothing to panic about .
You dont have to be depressed to suffer this .There were times i felt so bad i thought i carnt go one this way and started to think of way to end it
all .Daydreaming maybe i'm not sure .I do know that during it you carnt say "its just an attack ,dont worry " , For some reason you say "this is it
,i'm going to die . I should call an ambulance but that 's too embarrassing .I'll just die instead ."
At least when you know whats wrong ,there is help .When it gets explained that your brain is getting short changed of a cert ant chemical it doesnt
seem so bad .WE are all different ,I'm just short of a certain chemical .LIKE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE,NO NEED TO FEEL EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT .
When i started on a "happy pill " it got worse .A lot worse .A week i just layed on the couch , and joined this forum .
Finally it got better ,a lot better . I've always been a bit of a loner and when i think back i have probably suffered from this all my life .
Things are good now with a pill to get the chemical balance right .THats all it is ,a little bit of of a certain chemical i'm short of .No big deal .
The worst part was not knowing .I could find nothing about feeling dizzy and yet here Reado said HE felt dizzy .
I wish i had read that 12 month ago . I never felt bad riding my bike .Yet i could get in a tiz about a footy score ,if the phone rang (bad news ? ) If
i was feeling bad and music was playing ,the next time i heard the same music i'd feel crook .No wonder it can bring you down .
Yet there is a happy ending ,we are complicated and cannot expect to be perfect .Still have a bad day ,but not often and if you accept that, hey,just
a bad day ,its fine .
Boy ,this has been a longer story than i expected .Hope it may help someone .Bring on superbikes i'm up for a ride ,longer the better .

P.S. When i say "happy pill " its not like it makes you feel happy .It helps you feel NORMAL .You carnt take 2 and be "exta happy "
Be warned though if you are starting on them you will feel WORSE before better .Only about 2 week though .I have heard your body adjusts and you
can go off them .Yet to try that one .

Hey ThatOtherGuy can you drop around some time, my wife fell off a horse & broke her arm a couple of weeks ago, things are getting a bit untidy around here .....

You people are bloody fantastic, what you guys have written is better than great. its a credit to you all. Gus I always though you were a good fellow but this just enforces it. BTW when is the next ride in SEQ? Thanks every one who has added to this thread i allways know there are much more genuine people out there than dickheads. Thanks Phill

How about a ride to Bunya Mts .I'll post it in right place .

Hi everyone,
You all might not want to talk to me now that I tell you I was in the cops for only 18 years, mainly as a Highway Patrol cyclist...
Now, back in 1974 whilst working as HWP car crew for the late shift we were called to a house at The Entrance (NSW Central Coast) because the General Duty Police were busy. A young female had been assaulted there, and when we entered the house just about every hooligan and half baked local crim was there. As soon as we walked in, this young bloke jumped up off the lounge and belted my offsider, then it was on for young and old. We copped a good kicking and I thought "We're getting out of here and we're taking this bloke with us" and as we were struggling, the three of us tumbled down 2 metres of stairs onto the concrete path with me on the bottom and the other two on top. I later went off to hospital and was diagnosed with a prolapsed disc. (The same evening the house was raided and everyone got locked up.
Over the years I suffered from sciatic pain down my left leg and took medication for it.
Then in 1982 there was an armed holdup about 8.30pm that went wrong at Budgewoi on the Central coast in which the offender took two elderly hostages. Again working as HWP car crew, we spotted the offender, took up the pursuit finally forcing him to stop. As I raced to the driver's door with my gun drawn, and as I got level to him, he had a 9mm automatic handgun pointed at my face and pulled the trigger, lucky for me it misfired (It was later tested and found that it was a dud round) anyway the fight or flight kicked in and I headed for cover. He was later arrested after a long standoff and later received 17 years gaol.
I started to get nightmares from this and the vengeful thoughts of the offender that injured my back so much so that I was having difficulty from getting even with him as I knew where he lived and I had the Police issue weapon the fix him.
I went to see the Senior Police Medical Officer who put me off sick and I never went back to Police work as I was put out hurt on duty in 1985.
Medication is the only thing that keeps me sane although I still have nightmares and my best friend (wife of 48 years) keeps me going although it has to be changed at times because as you get older, things change. Mine is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
So I say to any of you that read this, or know of someone that may have some symptoms of anxiety or depression, get them to seek help. I call my medication "My crazy tablets)
Regards
Paul

@ Blueknight..............If only the public knew half of the stuff cops have to do they would get a shock . I got a small sampling of it when I was younger & did security patrols at nights & weekends as a second job but now have 2 cops in the family & that can be a real eye opener .Getting even would have been good at the time for you , but unfortunately would have made you like one of the scum who put you in that situation in the first place ..............cheers Paul

Wow ,that quite a story . Hope things work out well for you .

I was diagnosed with stress related anxiety in november last year, having suffered in silence for many years wondering what was wrong with me. My anxiety comes in the form of being wound up on small bullshit things, like if a car pulls out in front of me i go off for what could of happened not what actually happened.

To control this i see a councillor once a month and i self hypnotise to calm my self down, i have also learned to count to 10 before i fire off, my family now know when i am pinging (as i call it) and dont prevoke me, they are very supportive

The first few months was the hardest as i felt i was broken, i had a few why am i alive moments but i am on top of that and like lego i am rebuilding my self some days are good some are bad, i saw a really good quote yesterday it said "every day has a reset button, its called tomorrow "

They tell me exercise is makes you feel better so i a enrolled in a 12 week fitness and diet program so this better help as its costing me nearly a kidney.

It really interesting how many over 40 year olds are suffering, but we have something in common we all ride bandits and i always feel relaxed and calm after a ride. Good medicine i say

So brother sufferers be kind to your selves , lifes good

Well I'll chime in and confess I've been talked (nagged) into having a chat to someone this week.
Sometimes I fell broken and my fuse is getting shorter. Time to sort my head out now the body has been reshaped.

Hi Guys,
As a HWP Sergeant in charge of a 30 Officer HWP Station, I was called out at any time of the day or night regardless of shifts to oversight the too many fatal collisions within our district as the Accident Investigation Squad had not been formed then. The main reason was that in a lot of instances there were criminal charges and by the time the particular matter came to criminal court, the investigating Police may have investigated numerous others between the particular collision and the criminal court so every serious collision had to be oversighted to make sure everything was investigated and properly recorded at the scene.
Every time I attended anything of a serious nature, my family knew as soon as I walked in the door and knew to basically stay clear. At the time I was a competitive bodybuilder as well and always, no matter what time of the day or night I arrived home from a bad shift, I would go and train really hard on the weights (I had my own fully equipped Gym in the back yard and used to train advanced bodybuilders and strength training) and found that relieved a lot of stress through hard training but eventually that didn't solve the problem and everything became to much. (I always trained around my back injury).
So if anyone is feeling anxious or depressed, maybe exercise could help you as well.
Every Police officer could write a book, but everyone would think it was fiction and unbelievable because of some of the things that were seen or attended to.
Regards
Paul

Yeah , what ever happened to respect . We had a police man in the old days we called the "TORCHMAN" because if he caught you being
"naughty " you got a wack with the torch . Your parents would say " serves you right ,I hope it hurt "

I had a serious "bad patch" about 15 years ago. Boxed in by a crushing workload, (60-110 hrs a week), teenage family wholly dependent on me, and seeing every day as a list of things I needed to do, but never could quite achieve. I began every day with a list and finished at the end of the day making another, and every day was adjusting priorities. It was before much in the way of mental health awareness at all. I was not travelling well and I was thinking about the ultimate way out more often than a 13 year old thinks of sex (like 90% of the time). I would stare at the news on the telly for an hour and couldn't tell you what any of the stories were about, but functioned in my job, and as a father and husband. The bottom line had to be to simply not act on all the destructive fantasies. This went on for years. Maybe 4 or 5. During this time, I did have anxiety attacks, paralysing episodes of panic and inaction and the inability to think at all, clutching at straws to find the solution to some problem in front of me with no reserves of logic or reason. I knew them well. It was not a good time.

I sought help from my GP once when I had another ailment, or tried to anyway. The Dr. was his locum, who did all the physical checks, said apart from ... I was fine. I thought maybe he thought I was fishing for a drug script. I was very fit at the time, so there was nothing he could see. I had to come up with my own plan. It took some time - months, to utilise and string out some long service leave - I got 5 months off including regular annual leave. My life changed. Though I had not been drinking more and enjoying it less, I took to drinking nothing but water (not even coffee or tea) and after some preparations, went for a long hard trip on a bicycle, living out of doors, and basically just surviving, living from hour to hour, and day to day, so tired at the end of each day that I could sleep on rocks, mind so fully occupied with the realities of my existence that I could think about nothing else but the practicalities of each day. It involved some public roads, but was often tracks and navigation in very unfamiliar places. I had no support, and had to just do the best I could, and be very careful to avoid injury - pretty much pre-mobile phones. I didn't have one anyway. A long bicycle tour was something I'd long wanted to do and I chose a semi-remote area solo adventure for my first effort. It was seriously testing. I didn't have "all the good gear". The bike was old and the gear make do, cobbled up stuff that I had made up and trialled in a couple of rides in the first month or so, and I had no experience. My goals were: Get to .... find water, stay warm stay dry, make the food last, deal with equipment problems, ride that track, or push or haul the bike up the hill, ride down THAT!?, cross that river (what bridge?) find somewhere to camp, not get bit, shot, run over or otherwise come to grief. The big focus was always on just being able to proceed.

Anyway, I had mostly gone where I had set out to go, and was on the return run on regular public roads, when it struck me. This overwhelming epiphany of wellness. Euphoria. Like being on drugs. I wanted hurry up and get to the next town so I could walk up and down the street and tell everybody how wonderful it was to be alive, like some sort of newborn Christian, but realised that they'd think I was nuts. (I've read about this) I had realised the black dog was gone. I hadn't thought about it for probably 6 weeks. Would it last? It took me a week to get back. My life was never the same. I did make some changes at work, which improved things a little there, and retired 6 years later, pretty much ASAP. Now I only work if it is drug dealing profitable (haven't found anything like that), simply fun (would almost do it for free), or "the mission from God" (and I aint no kind of Christian).

So what changed? I went back to the job for another 6 years. The job didn't actually become that much less demanding. I always thought I had a reasonable balance during the dark time, but obviously not. I was always "trying to fit stuff in" and just getting things done, often in a half assed way, because there was always a list of other stuff to follow. Maybe I had somehow forgotten how to find satisfaction. It's not like I was lacking skills or couldn't do things well, or wasn't learning how to do new things or how do them better. These were the most productive years of my life. Maybe it was the lack of "me time" which I thought I had, because I spent 7 1/2 hours a week alone commuting by bicycle most weeks. I was very fit and healthy, but obviously not right at all.

After retiring, I think I went close to a return of the old feelings briefly. For two months, every day I'd have an out-loud laugh about my good fortune. (not in money terms, that's for sure) The fact I'll never HAVE to work another day in my life. Then I got bored. That was sobering. Things would have to change. I HAD to have something to do. Routine, goals, things to do. Discussed it, started looking and got lucky. Scored a seasonal fun job, which I could almost justify doing for free (that good). I do, and have done a lot of volunteer work in the past, which I've developed further, so my life alternates between the two lives: the volunteerism, occupying a lot of my time (a couple of days a week) for 8 months. It provides a large sense of worth, some travel opportunities and some adventure - it can make life rather interesting at times, and the fun paying gig for the other 4. Totally different lives in two completely different places. Each is a holiday from the other, and an adventure in its own right. I always look forward to "another season" and to coming home and recovering, and to whatever happens then the phone or pager goes.

This is no kind of recipe. Not intended to be a prescription of how anybody can change their life or what ails them, only what happened to me. I was lucky. I had a colleague that would listen to me at times. No advice. My last words to her were, "I think you probably saved my life." I was serious, and I think she realised it. NEVER underestimate the value of being a good listener. She was. She was just there. Heroic.

Talk to people and listen to others. It's not like they are necessarily going to pour out their story to you, and you are a fool if you think you can solve their problems. Just do it. You never know.

I often think I'm the luckiest person I know.

Everyone that has spoken or replied on this subject, I hope they find the peace of mind that opening up or thinking about some of the things that have been said, has or will help. Everyone will have a downside at some stage in life (maybe not to the major problems some of us have had) but remember there is always a sunny side on the other side of the problem, so talk about it, seek professional help and don't be afraid to take any prescribed medication as it can help either short or long term. (I'm not religious but I am on permanent medication as the subconscious cannot be controlled particularly at night
Regards
Paul

Just when you think your the only one going through it because its something " REAL MEN " don't talk about because its a sign of BEING WEAK you realise your wrong on all three , THANK GOODNESS .
On ya Guys, your the best .

gus wrote:Just when you think your the only one going through it because its something " REAL MEN " don't talk about because its a sign of BEING WEAK you realise your wrong on all three , THANK GOODNESS .
On ya Guys, your the best .

I was thinking the same thing.

Group MAN HUG now .

This is sobering. I work 60-70 hrs a week and feel like I am just clinging on by my fingertips. Get home stuffed and face 2 small loving yet incredibly frustrating kids. There's weeks I am up in the dark and home in the dark and wonder what the hell I do it for. My bike has become a real refuge in many ways. I need to take stock.

kewwig wrote:This is sobering. I work 60-70 hrs a week and feel like I am just clinging on by my fingertips. Get home stuffed and face 2 small loving yet incredibly frustrating kids. There's weeks I am up in the dark and home in the dark and wonder what the hell I do it for. My bike has become a real refuge in many ways. I need to take stock.

A quote on my bosses wall "dont get to busy making a living and forget about living "

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Kewwig as my counciler keeps telling me be kind to once self

Also for those iphone/ipad/ipod users there is some great anxiety podcasts they are free and and easy to find i use the 3 minute hypnosis pod cast. The guys voice is annoying but after awhile i dont need to listen to him i just do it my self. it works great when i get wound up i sit in my office or the car or at home and i relax its 3 minutes of your day and it seriously helps

Ps gus dont you do it on the job it could have nasty side effects

kewwig wrote:The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

That is one of the best quotes I have ever read.

great thread everyone,thanks for kicking it off Gus,i have been suffering depression now for around 12,to 13 years,id suffered 3herniated discs as a 17year old and by the time i was 18 years old was put on sickness benefits,by the time i was 20 years old was put on to the invalid pension and was told after much poking prodding xrays cat scans and more tests that they would not operate on me as it would destabilize the disc above and below the three that are damaged and make things worse,i was told by many doctors that id just have to get used to it and live with it,i could hardly walk had lots of trouble with my legs and was put on diazepam/Valium and pain killers which were only the panadeine forte at the time,i ended up throwing down upto ten Valium a day and was running amok like i had a death wish even tho id married my sweetheart and had 3children,by the time id hit 35 id had enough of everything and was hospitalized when i had a particularly bad month of not being able to walk and being in the worse pain of my life,it was at this time i was told that id been placed on the wrong medication for the last 18years,the neurosurgeon who was looking after me said that i should never have been prescribed Valium in the first place and took me off them and sent me upstairs to the pain clinic where i was put on morphine for my leg and back pain,well id never felt so weird in all my life and then one night had some sort of fit and just couldn't stop shaking..so i was given the Valium again and told id have to ween off them over a six month period,when i went home from hospital i pretty much just lay in bed most days and when i did get up i realized that id been laying for days on end with my clothes all on and wasn't showering and felt really sick all the time and could not sleep at all,i finally weened off the Valium and felt even sicker,man did i feel crook every single day,i had no friends left as id never come out of my room and if i came outve the room then i certainly wouldn't go outve the house,this went on for over a year,when anyone including my kids came to the house id freak out and go hide in the bedroom..ended up complaining to my gp and he put me onto the pain units psychiatrist who strait away said that i was suffering from depression,he said that the Valium had caused this as that drug will mask all your emotions,soooo,he sent me off with these anti depressants and i took the first one and that nite i had a terrible reaction to that particular pill and ended up being rushed into hospital again,when i seen the shrink again he put me on a different anti depressant and told me to cut the tablet into 1/4 and take a quarter a day then a half then a full tablet,well after that first quart of a tablet i was a little spinny still but forced myself to go on with it,after the fourth day of taking the full tablet i honestly could not frikn well believe it,,i started to feel well again,...it was so fast the shakes,the sickness,the hiding in the room,everything started to come back to normal except for the absolute rotten back and leg pain,the pain unit then decided that it was time for a m.r.i.,,so into hospital for the MRI and then a week later i get a phone call wanting me back in for a angiogramme,,wtf now i say,,we have found a dark patch in your MRI in or pushing your spinal chord over to one side and we need you back for a angio..i had no idea what this was until i read that it is for people with a bad heart to look at they're veins..so off i go again and after the procedure im told besides the bad back the nerve damage that they have just found this thing called a ''arterial venous malformation'',another wtf? from me and then they explain what this thing is,which forgive me but i wont get into the technical crap re this thing except to say that i have a 50/50 chance of a bleed and if it bleeds then they say that id lose the use of my legs,bladder,Bowell,pretty much everything below the t.10 and t.11 vertebrae..as it is now they wont operate on it as its attached to my spinal chord as in wrapped around it and pushing it over to one side..at the moment the neuro ses it is this pox of a thing that is causing the pain in my legs and not the other back damage,he says the original problem is causing my back pain..with the avm the neuro says that i have a bit of weakness in my legs now caused by it and this is why i cannot get up from the floor if i sit on the floor or squat down.i also cannot stand or go for walks with my two dogs or my wife which was one of the only things that i could do..i cannot describe the absolute chronic pain that this causes me especially during the night while im trying to sleep..ive been started on some new meds called lyrica which have helped a little with the nighttime pain in my legs as long as i don't walk at all during the day,,this whole thing makes me angry and gets me down some days,,as if that aint enough,my dad died of prostate cancer last year,so my older brother by one and a half years went and got screened and BAM,,he had it as well,after about 6months he has had his prostate removed and has been given the all clear,anyhow his specialist asked him,do you have any brothers,?he says yes why?he ses you had better tell him to get checked very regular as he will definitely get it as well...well bugger me,i went and had the test and was told by my doctor that the specialist isn't really correct in saying ill definitely get it,rather that ill have more chance of getting it..hahaha,great stuff ay..that's life...but ya know there's all ways someone out there worse off than yourself...

Gee , talk about getting a bad deal .I wish you well .

thanks gus i appreciate it,am having a bad day that has turned into a bad night

i keep keep coming back and reading all the posts that everyone has put on here. Its great to see the support and well wishing.

I have posted my own story on here too but now need to add more to the saga

I am currently In a private mental health Hospital. I was admitted on Friday last week after I attempted suicide kind off. I climbed over the railing at the train station and found myself siting above the high voltage lines preparing to jump at 2 am after having sat in the hospital for 7 hours waiting to be seen by someone. I was asking for help and non came and so something snapped in my head.

I have had back issues and spinal surgery but continue to suffer as there is more damage to the spine but they will not operate just yet. With constant medical examinations things became too much, three weeks ago when I was going to yet another assessment to resolve the conflict between the insurance company doctors and my legal team doctors, on the way there my anxiety and depression became worse and i finally found my self stood outside the Drs rooms on George street contemplating stepping in front of the next bus that came along. Somehow i walked in and had the assessment. The next three weeks were a blur of mental health appointments disappointments and frustration. it was only my wife taking time from work to be with me for two weeks that kept me from going through with my thoughts.

Things then became busy again and my thoughts went away for a few days and I found some peace to cope. On friday however i came out from the shower and stood there shaking and feeling so low i knew I could not be by myself. By the afternoon I had made arrangements to go into hospital. I will be here for 3 weeks going through their treatment program and changing my medication so that when I leave I stand a better chance of coping. Being here has been a huge relief as I know I am safe and that at last someone is listening to me. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am far from well and it will be a long hard road ahead to recovery. When I do finally leave here I will still have to face life work and insurance companies. 

The hardest part has been to admit that I have issues and need help. 

Thank you all for sharing your stories i wish you all strength as you move forward and I look forward to riding with you all again. I plan to join the weekend get together but will wait until i am out of here before making plans.