The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

This ought to make all Grandpas feel all warm and fuzzy. A six-year-old goes to
the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the
hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the
room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a
frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney
World!”

[madmax]

A
man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her
to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At
your age, how do you do that?’



The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.



Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital,
another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are
something else, how do you do that?’.



He said: ‘I told you that you
just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the
hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!’.



He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.



She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.

[madmax]

A letter to a wife


My
Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you
and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman
who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into
57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home
until sometime tomorrow.

[paul]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check up on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy/diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her up, he goes to the nannys' room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back tobed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

[paul]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[paul]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia

Well, there's a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical.

Our Oil is located in:

Victoria
New South Wales

Western Australia
Queensland
Northern Territory

South Australia

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra

[Jimmy the Boy]

THE DEER !
 
A man kills a "deer" and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both
He and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it
Is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged
Their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
 
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fucking arsehole !!"
 

[madmax]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Mister? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a whorehouse and as a result its language is a touch raunchy".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "Fuck me, a new whorehouse and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a whorehouse," shouts the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters get home.

"Un fucking-believable. A new whorehouse, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mom, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-fucking-credible, a new whorehouse, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"

[paul]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

[madmax]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

OH FFS that is funny, if its real:lol!: I would have loved to have seen the reply

[truck]

A tough old cowboy from south texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[madmax]

A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary.
The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."

---

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through

the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull

down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it

with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around

the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head

so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I

doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn
chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit.'

 

[madmax]

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

[madmax]

A Man went the doctor’s office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'.

[madmax]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration... "SHIT!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[madmax]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.

[paul]

    

[madmax]

The evidence was overwhelming.

The prosecution went through the charges in graphic detail, recounting brutal sodomy, incest and the darkest sexual depravity.

There were gasps in the courtroom as I got off.

"Silence in court!" shouted the judge. "Someone stop that man from wanking. And remove him from the jury."

[truck]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[boomer]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........

.......but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[madmax]

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"

[paul]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin'
down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please
tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and
said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down
de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a
stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very
bad
like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin'
and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun
still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot
da fock would you say?'
 

[Kiwisteve]

  

[paul]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone...Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

[paul]

SOMETHING SURE TO OFFEND EVERYONE LOL



My new kiwi neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey bro, what’s going down?”

I said, “The value of my fucking house you fucking prick!”

____________________________________________________

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
____________________________________________________

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________

"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
____________________________________________________

I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” . . .thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

What’s the difference between a black fella and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

Why are aspirins white? Because they work.

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour.

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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says.
If any of you are Paedophiles, you can fuck off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out.
“And take this deaf bastard with you”.

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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer: Throw in your washing….
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said.
“I don’t find that very funny.

My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits”.
I said. “Sorry mate. Did he drown”?

“No”. he said. “He choked on a sock”.
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The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off

I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

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My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.

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The wife came out of the bathroom and said.

“I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you”?
I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!

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Nearly shagged a Poofter last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Fuckin hang about” !!!!
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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted. “Where you off to Charlie”? He said.

“I'm off to change a light bulb”.
Well, I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing.

I said. “That's gonna be a bit awkward init”?
“Not really”, He said.

“I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard”.

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