The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Jimmy the Boy]

Not a joke but a bloody funny ad.

[madmax]

Not a joke but a bloody funny ad.

Another good reason to stay a bachelor

He bought a GSXR as a cruiser/commuter!

[Jimmy the Boy]

Yeah GSXR cruiser? Probably drives a Nissan 300Z as a courier van. The ad reminds me of the one where the bloke is selling, " a compete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, no longer needed as wife knows everything."

[madmax]

"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second drink.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he suggested.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" .......

[paul]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel …

"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

30 years ago Gough Whitlam said to the people of Australia …



Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Gillard has ….


Stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put Camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

…………


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
carbon tax, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
and retirement funds, I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English, and I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked me if I could drive a truck .....

[2wheelsagain]

The science or "art" of Fracking
I wasnt sure whether to post this in jokes or mechanical
YouTube

[madmax]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.



I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!



You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[paul]

[paul]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN
A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST
CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES
HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



HE THEN TELLS THE
BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO
SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I 'M BLONDE, I 'M BEAUTIFUL, I
'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I 'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT
THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN

ECONOMY, AND WON 'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT
GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID
FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER
SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I 'M BLONDE, I 'M BEAUTIFUL, I 'M

GOING
TO TORONTO AND I 'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE
PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO
ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON 'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT
SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I 'LL

HANDLE THIS, I 'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS
IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I 'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND
GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER
MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER SOFTLY, "FIRST CLASS ISN 'T
GOING TO TORONTO ".

[paul]

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he
had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So
she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told
him
to have a seat.



Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what
he
had...Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
So she
wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and
told
Kevin to wait in the examining room.



A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin
said,
'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave
Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test,
an
electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes
and wait for
the doctor.





An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently
in the
nude and asked Kevin what he had.



Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said,

'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
'em??'

[madmax]

Last
week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought,
I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like
escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I
hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all
night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[truck]

Did not know whether to post this here or in the photography thread.

Morals test - read carefully This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION: You are in North Queensland , Cairns to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST: Suddenly you see a neatly dressed woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's Julia Gillard! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

THE OPTIONS: You can save the life of Julia Gillard or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist women, hell bent on the destruction of Australia .

THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........ Would you select high contrast colour film, or, Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Jimmy the Boy]

Did not know whether to post this here or in the photography thread.

Morals test - read carefully This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION: You are in North Queensland , Cairns to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST: Suddenly you see a neatly dressed woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's Julia Gillard! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

THE OPTIONS: You can save the life of Julia Gillard or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist women, hell bent on the destruction of Australia .

THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........ Would you select high contrast colour film, or, Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Well first of all I'd have to put the camera down to throw rocks at her.......Is that wrong??

[2wheelsagain]

I had a RDO today so I went surfing for tits.

[Baz]

Great tits ...

[paul]

Don't they come in pairs any more ?

[paul]

An elderly couple in their 70's were about
to get married.
She
said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with
me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's
fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a
week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

[paul]

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the
same without him
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about
their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team
in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say
'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be
okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said
this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes
late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said,
"Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and
the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her
and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They
were totally amazed
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but
each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she
was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on
her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their
strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of
beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you
decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch
back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my
husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would
pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the
right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed
left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[madmax]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[madmax]

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one
more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries
to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks
to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[madmax]

A
plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class
gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the
woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of
ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move,
the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses
to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and
explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by
saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying
right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests
that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have
the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's
blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He
goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said
to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[Baz]

JENNY CRAIG ~ FOR OLD SAILORS ..... this time in the right thread

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.


He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.


'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. ..

[paul]

The Black Bra (as told by a
woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried
friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze
our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes.

Here's how it all went.

My
engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all
night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my
eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the
black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in
the door and saw me he said,


" What's for dinner,
Zorro?"

[paul]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.
>
> >
>
> > He suspects his wife is
having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
>
> >

>
> > While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
>
> >
>
> > For $100, the cabby
agrees.
>
> >
>
> > Quietly arriving home, the
husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.
>
> >
>

> > The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and
there is his wife in bed with another man!
>
> >
>

> > He pulls a gun from his waistband and points it at the naked man's
head.
>
> >
>
> > The wife shouts, "Don't do
it! I lied when I told you I inherited money...
>
> >
>

> > HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
>
> > HE paid
for our new cabin cruiser.
>
> > HE paid for your Bulls season
tickets.
>
> > HE paid for our house at the lake.
>

> > HE paid for your African tour and the 4x4.
>
> >
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!"
>
> >
>
> > Shaking his head from
side-to-side, the husband slowly lowers the gun.
>
> >
>

> > He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"
>

> >
>
> > The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that
blanket before he catches a cold."
>

[paul]

Husband
and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and
asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't
you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then
why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married
again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our
bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let
her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like
the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my
jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good
times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's
left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND:
"SH*T."

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