The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.

 

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

 

One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

 

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

 

Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.' 

 

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. 

 

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start?

[Chook]

Finding a woman sobbing that she'd locked her keys in her car, a passing Australian soldier assures her he can help. 

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. 

Like magic, it opens! 

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" 

"Easy" replied the soldier. 

"These are me khakis!"

[paul]

CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going 

to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its 

demise due to global warming.



At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.



The coin will now be called “two fuckin’ bucks"!

[truck]

Might be a repost, but I read it again this morning and got aother giggle so here it is . . .
Dave and Wally were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Wally says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Wally.
Wally says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Wally says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Perth.'

[BanditDave]

[F]

Ripper!!!

[truck]

Oldie but I still smiled at it . . .


"The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b******!" 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b******!" 

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" 

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b******, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[dhula]

A short time after the tragic passing of his father, the mans son and his son where heard lamenting on the old mans long and bountiful life when the grandson came to mention "I remember clearly pops last words before his untimely departure"

"Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard"

[paul]

[Chook]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assured her that he could help.

She looked on amazed as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door.
Amazingly, it opened.

"That's so clever," the woman gasped. “How did you do it?"
”Easy," replied the soldier. "These are my khakis"

[Chook]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' 
So his father sends the dog and $2,000. 
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' 
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. 
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news. 

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. 

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' 
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 
'I sure did, Dad!' 
'That's my boy!' 
The kid went on to be a vert successful lawyer

[Chook]

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.  " £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.  " £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"  "That's the normal charge," said the dentist.  "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"  "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."  "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"  "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."  "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"  "It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."  "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.  "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[madmax]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Chook]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ................................."He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[madmax]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ................................."He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[Chook]

I just read these, they seem to fit this topic to a tee, sick/bad!!

Low Battery : A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal. 


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls! 


Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £2.50/min (charges may vary). 



Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker. 


Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England . 


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. 


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Chook]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office 

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 

He replies, "Yes, caffeine." 

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?" 

"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." 

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." 

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." 

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" 

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts . There's no point in you coming in for that."

[paul]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She

puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?'’ she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why
are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day
we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,'  he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison
for 20 years?”

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out
today.'

[madmax]

[paul]

Irish ghost story




IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[madmax]

[Chook]

John was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business.


          When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,h hedecided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.


          One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the  most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
         
          Her natural beauty took his breath away.


          "I may look like an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


          Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.


          Three days later, she became his stepmother.


          Women are so much better at financial planning than  men.

[paul]

[Chook]

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.”

[Chook]

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”


The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” 
The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” 


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”


Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”


The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”


He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”


“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!” 

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