The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
 

Maybe we need a format

As long as it's not worked out by a committee 

[madmax]

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

[paul]

A genuine joke from Queensland. It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly a Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales),
XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:
"I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[madmax]

A group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed..

[madmax]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

[paul]

GOD'S PLAN FOR THE AGED.......
 

 
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.  
 
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.   And God looked down and saw that it was good.  
 
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.  
 
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.  
 
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older  
 
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.   
Life is sexually transmitted.   
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.   
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.   
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.   
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.   
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.   
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 
 

[Chook]

A farmer named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy 


"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. 


This is a herd of sheep.     Now give me back my dog."

[paul]

Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large
bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 21 lbs before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles. 

[madmax]

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely

[paul]

The Art Collector's Wife


A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news for you but also some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she has invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
Having examined the situation I do believe she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied...."The pictures are of you with your secretary!”

[madmax]

[madmax]

[madmax]

DAVE IS IN HOSPITAL
Who the hell is Dave ?
Well Dave is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Dave replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo??" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred quid note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."
Dave is now in The Manchester Royal Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

[Chook]

Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

[paul]

Andrew the drover (Aussie Cowboy) from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked. 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

”Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales ,
I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young Sheila. 
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!" 
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

[paul]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. 
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. 
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain coming, so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. 
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. 
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. 
And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." 
So he continued on his way. 
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. 
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." 
So the king hired the donkey. 
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. 
And the practice is unbroken to this day !!!

[paul]

Two Irish nuns have just
            arrived in USA by boat,
            and one says to the other,
            "I hear that the people in
            this country actually eat
            dogs."

            "Odd," her companion
            replies, "but if  we shall
            live in America , we
            might as well do as the
            Americans do."

            As they sit, they hear a
            push  cart vendor yelling,
            "Hot Dogs, get your dogs
            here,"  and they both
            walk towards the hot dog
            cart.

            "Two dogs, please!," says
            one. The vendor is very
            pleased to oblige, wraps
            both hot dogs in foil and
            hands them over. Excited,
            the nuns hurry to a bench
            and begin to unwrap their
            'dogs.'

            The mother  superior is
            first to open hers.
            She begins to blush,
            and then, after staring
            at it for a moment, leans
            to the other nun and in
            a soft brogue  whispers:

            "What part did you get ?

[Chook]

[Chook]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

[paul]

Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing...what is it?











.....Don't look down! 

[paul]

AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

[paul]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ___________________________________

[Chook]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[SVDon]

An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill. 
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00
 
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons
to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
 
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
 
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers:
 
"I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
 
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
 
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly:
 
"Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger!

[SVDon]

Two older guys, one 72 and one 77, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 72-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 77-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 72-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "Yes, please. I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." 

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.”

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