The sick/bad joke thread

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The sick/bad joke thread

Post  paul on Wed 17 Dec 2014, 8:24 pm

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  paul on Sun 07 May 2017, 5:34 pm

@madmax wrote:
@Chalkie wrote:So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL Razz:oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore Shocked
Wasn't there a video kicking around somewhere  ?  Embarassed Razz Laughing

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  madmax on Sun 07 May 2017, 5:41 pm

@paul wrote:
@madmax wrote:
@Chalkie wrote:So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL Razz:oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore Shocked
Wasn't there a video kicking around somewhere  ?  Embarassed Razz Laughing

Hammy might know Laughing

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  Chalkie on Sun 07 May 2017, 7:10 pm

So who still has a video player? Exclamation
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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  paul on Tue 09 May 2017, 8:52 pm

THE TOILET SEAT
 
My wife, Diana, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the  wooden seat on our  toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out socialising at the local ladies luncheon in town.
 
After finishing,  I left & went to visit a mate on anotherr matter before she  returned.
              
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the  shower, she sat on the  toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy  paint had glued her to the toilet  seat.
              
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both  pushed  and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid  the toilet seat  bolts.
              
Diana wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital  emergency  room.
              
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free  her (Try to get a mental picture of  this.) Diana tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well,  Doctor, I'll  bet you've never seen anything like this  before."
           

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and  framed.

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  madmax on Tue 09 May 2017, 10:44 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again..Smile

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  Bosco15 on Wed 10 May 2017, 9:11 am

ROFL. A right ol' knee slapper, that one. 
Well done, Brian. 8-)

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  Chook on Fri 12 May 2017, 8:12 pm

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross eyed is there anything you can do for him?"

So the vet picks up the dog and says "Lets have a look at him." He examines the dog and says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why because he's cross eyed?"


No says the vet "Because he's really heavy."
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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  paul on Fri 12 May 2017, 11:05 pm

@Chook wrote:A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross eyed is there anything you can do for him?"

So the vet picks up the dog and says "Lets have a look at him." He examines the dog and says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why because he's cross eyed?"


No says the vet "Because he's really heavy."
I thought he was headed for a " Ruff " ending for a minute  Laughing

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  paul on Sun 14 May 2017, 1:05 pm

[size=32]        Senior Males - Sexual Activity[/size]
 
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from The National Statistics Office and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealed that:
 
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
 
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
 

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Re: The sick/bad joke thread

Post  Chook on Mon 15 May 2017, 6:58 pm

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I Can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there." 

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes." 

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook. 

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." 

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy. 

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here."
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