The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[gazzar]

[paul]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset ---- I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57  goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[gazzar]

keep'em coming Paul.

[SVDon]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."   The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."   Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

[paul]

Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?

[paul]

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty km's an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.

[barry_mcki]

Modified from the original slightly.......

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Bandit ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

[paul]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, 

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper round.

[SVDon]

While in China, an old man looking to resurrect his youth, is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!" The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!" "Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims. "Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.

[SVDon]

After the Accident


Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". I managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits, then?"

[gazzar]

[paul]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. 

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and 

will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface 

like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to 

go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly 
raised his hand. 

"Yes?" said the Instructor. 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[paul]

Are You A Pilot??

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along 
comes someone and blows it all to hell! An old Army Air Corps Pilot sat down 
at the Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of 
coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. 
She turned to the pilot and asked,

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, 
then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in 
the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people 
to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what 
are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. 
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I 
shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked 
women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down 
on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[madmax]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

‘I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.’

‘so what do you think about that Doc?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

‘As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waters edge…’

‘He realised he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went ‘bang bang’.’

‘Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think about that?’ asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

The doctor replied, ‘My point exactly.’

[Ewok1958]

  Very good.

[Chook]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[paul]

[kewwig]

How do Kiwis find sheep in long grass?


.....................................

Very nice, thank you.  Very nice

[paul]

LOL 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-4lk2-UA_I

[BanditDave]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[BanditDave]

Subject: Sleeping with Mick

 

 [size=32]The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.[/size]

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

[size=32]With age comes wisdom.[/size]

[paul]

[truck]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh ! Did you Kill any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "1 was on the couch 2 were on the  beer can, and the 2 females were  on the phone.

[paul]

[barry_mcki]

Had to share this - stolen from our UK cousins:

A middle aged man drives to the local bottle shop and purchases two cartons of beer and places them on the front seat.  On the way home he pulls into the gas station and while he is waiting in the queue a eighteen year old girl with blond hair and cut off denim shorts and a low cut top walks past his car and notices the beer on the seat.

She leans into the passenger side window showing her cleavage and says to the man " would you be interested in bartering?". The man says " What do you have in mind?".  she replies " I'd like to trade sex for beer".  The man thinks about it for a minute then looks her up and down and says

"What type of beer do you have?"

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