The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Notes left in milk bottles For those of us who remember Milk
Deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes
left in milk bottles...  Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk.. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons
on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of
tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old
and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

>From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any
milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup
in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want
to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday.

milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put
newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.

[madmax]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

[madmax]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So... they buried Debbie.

[paul]

  

[Hammy]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

[paul]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

But you like it when we talk dirty    

[madmax]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

[madmax]

A man finds that he is unable to perform, after several years of married
life
He goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor, who says, “I can cure this.” He
throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say “123,” and “it” will rise up for as
long as you wish!”
The guy replies, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to
continue?”
“All you or your partner has to say is ’1234,’ and it will go down.” But be
warned: “It will not work again for another year.”
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He
showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets
into bed and is lying next to her, he says, “123,” and suddenly he gets a massive
erection , just as the witch doctor said.
His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, “What did you say '123' for?"

[madmax]

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

[madmax]

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor. you’ll need to develop two key skills.” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over. sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt. withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
After everyone has finished, the professor continues… “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger, pay attention next time.”

[Hammy]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

OK.  You're SICK !   He's BAD !   

[madmax]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

OK.  You're SICK !   He's BAD !   

Hey we resemble that remark!

[paul]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

OK.  You're SICK !   He's BAD !   

Hey we resemble that remark!

Do I need a spanking Hammy ?

[Hammy]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

OK.  You're SICK !   He's BAD !   

Hey we resemble that remark!

Do I need a spanking Hammy ?

Lucky you're not coming to Cowra.  

[paul]

You're a sick man Max.  And you're even sicker Paul for laughing at him.    

Well this is the sick and bad joke thread

OK.  You're SICK !   He's BAD !   

Hey we resemble that remark!

Do I need a spanking Hammy ?

Lucky you're not coming to Cowra.  

 

[paul]

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike,

shagged two women and blown a grand on drink.

She'll go friggin' mental when she gets home from work.

[madmax]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

[BanditDave]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

????????

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

[madmax]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

????????

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

  

[paul]

 Better than a Flu 
Shot!  

   Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond  organ, the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated. of all

things, a condom!
 
When she returned

With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it 
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the  
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 
 

[paul]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.


It has an indisputable mathematical logic. 
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to giveMORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude   will get you there. 
It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 


Now you know why some people are where they are!

[paul]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life. As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[paul]

The  Italian Virginity Test   Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if  his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a “Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit”… a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, doc? The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ... you hit her with the shovel.

[paul]

IRISH COFFEE
 
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
 
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
 
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
 
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
 
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
 
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jean's Coffee Shop again!'
 
 

[madmax]

IRISH COFFEE
 
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
 
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
 
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
 
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
 
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
 
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jean's Coffee Shop again!'
 
 

  

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