The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Two IRISHMEN were looking at a
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.


One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'


The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest IRISHMAN asks his pal,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the catalogue?'
The second IRISHMAN replies


]'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
]She sent all her clothes yesterday

[Re-Cycled]

I stoled this from the 'Strom Forum, just for Paul.


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir', says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does.
Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!
For five years I have not seen a man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

[paul]

[paul]

The stall:
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.


"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

[paul]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform
sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems
to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African
medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'

With that
said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash
with
billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year.

All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall
rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's
over, and I don't want to
continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When
your partner can take no more sex and is
completely raddled, all she has to
say is '1234', and it will then go down.
But be warned, the pork sword will
not rise again for another year..'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to
try out his new powers. That night he
showers, shaves and smothers himself in
aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and
suddenly he has
the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man
promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123'
for?!'

[paul]

Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter
said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets
and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he
said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and
pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're
bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the
pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching
desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are
Carols.'

[Ewok1958]

[stevemcc]

Two old guys, one 80
and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.






The 87-year-old had just
finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was
amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.






The 87-year-old said,
"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have
any rye bread?"






She said, "Yes, there's
a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "I want five
loaves."






She said, "My goodness,
five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."






He replied, "I can't believe everybody
knows about this shit but me."

[paul]

[paul]

<table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm" valign="top"> ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Geoff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Valerie-Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Valerie-Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points... When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too... I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Valerie-Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Geoff died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his butt, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Valerie-Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. <table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm" valign="top"> <table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm" valign="top"> <table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm" valign="top"> <table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" style="MARGIN-LEFT: 21pt" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0cm; PADDING-TOP: 0cm; PADDING-LEFT: 0cm; PADDING-RIGHT: 0cm" valign="top"> </td></tr></table></td></tr></table> </td></tr></table></td></tr></table></td></tr></table>

[paul]

<blockquote class="postcontent restore ">A woman is stepping out of the shower
and reaches for a towel, she slides on the wet tiles and does the splits. She
goes down so hard that her fanny suctions onto the tiles. She tries to get up
but finds that she can't move. In alarm she calls out to hubby who comes
running. Finding her in this position he tries to lift her under the arms but
she cries out in agony so he stops.

"How are we going to get you up" he
says, "should i call an ambo or the fireys?"

"NO WAY" she says "Too
embarrassing, try lifting me again." So he tries again with no luck.

"I
know, the bloke next doors a plumber; he might have an idea." So he gives her a
towel to cover herself and goes to get the neighbour. When they both return they
try again to lift her but again with no success.

The plumber stands there
scratching his head and says "Yunno, I reckon we might have to knock that tile
up and take her to emergency, I'll go and get my club hammer and bolster and
we'll do that."

"OK" says hubby, "but while your gone mate I might give
her a bit of a kiss and play with her tits"

"Jeez" says the plumber,
"what do you wanna do that for at a time like this???"

"Well" says hubby
"I reckon if i get her wet enough I might be able to slide her into the kitchen
coz the tiles are cheaper in there." </blockquote>

[paul]

<blockquote class="postcontent restore ">A woman, who had been in a deep coma
for many months, was being given a sponge bath by two nurses. One of them
noticed that when her colleague was washing the womans private parts the monitor
registered an increase in her brain activity. They tried it again and sure
enough the monitor showed the same increase.

They called her husband and
explained what had happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."The husband
was sceptical at first, but they assured him that it could work and they closed
the curtains for privacy.

The husband agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the womans monitor alarm went off as she had
no pulse, no heart rate or brain activity. Its over.

The two nurses ran
back into the room. “What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said "I
don't know ......... maybe she choked." </blockquote>

[madmax]

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly,a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[boomer]

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I ran out in the street and swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.

[paul]

[paul]

A
drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face
and says:'I went
by your grandma's house today andI saw
her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking
woman!'

The
biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of
a hat.
The
drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she
is good,the
best I ever had!'

The
biker's buddies are starting to get really madbut the
biker still says nothing.


The
drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else,
boy, your grandma liked it!'

At
this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square
in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa..........
Go home!'

[paul]

THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE The Italian MAN of His House. With his Italian wife! Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE MAN of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we're going upstairs And we'll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His Sicilian wife Nancy replied, "The f!!!king funeral director would be my first guess".

[madmax]

Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;
'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.

[madmax]

A
guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of
whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a
picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm
sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

[madmax]

Yesterday I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and a keen golfer, who lived in a house
adjacent to the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
"Are you okay?"
... "Yes I'm fine thanks," I replied.
"Just forget your troubles. Come to my house, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later," she
said, smiling.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won’t like it."
After a restorative brandy and lessons, on her private driving range
and putting green, I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I
know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the buggy!" I replied.

[paul]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car
that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He
rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn
chair.
"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite
elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97
next month, and I am now old
enough that I don't even need a driver's license
anymore. The last time I went
to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I
had a driver's license. I told him
yes and handed it to him. He took
scissors out of the drawer, cut the license
into pieces, and threw
them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't be needing
this anymore,' so I
thanked him and left!"

[paul]

BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS
AND WINDOWS!

A man was found dead in his
home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found
the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with
milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of
his arss.

Police suspect a cereal
killer.

[paul]

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER
IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the
ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they
will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive
only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any
problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not
guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when
he was shot by the woman's husband!

[paul]

SIMPLE
TRUTHS

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after
sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one
helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is
pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But,
none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of
the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

[paul]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up'
for those men who may be regular customers at Westfield's, Harvey Norman,
Target, and Bunnings. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the
last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going
out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough
to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam
works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck
as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their
skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree
and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of
them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your
wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Dec. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Jan. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on
the 11th &12th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell
your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.
I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Reject Shop and bought them out in
three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've
already lost 5kg just running back and forth from Harvey Norman, Target, and
Bunnings.

So please, send this on to all the men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch
and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

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