The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[BanditDave]

[paul]

[Chook]

Unfortunate but true

[paul]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those arseholes at the Post Office.

[GSX1100G]

[truck]

In case you're annoyed that all my terrible jokes are in English, here's one in Spanish...

Uno.

[truck]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. 
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. 
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[truck]

A Expert on Wasps is walking down the street on his way to a convention, when he pass a music store and in the window it says 'Just Released, New LP, American Wasps & the sounds that they make. Available Now!' 

Unable to resist the Expert goes into the shop and says, "I am the world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd like to listen to the LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly" the shop owner says, "let me get you headphones" and they go to the booth, where puts the LP. on for the Expert.
Five minutes later he comes out and says, "I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make and I do not recognize any of those." 

The shop keeper says "I'm sorry, I can give you ten more minutes in the booth."
The Expert goes back in booth, ten minutes later he comes out and says, "I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds they make and I can not recognize none of those." 

The shop keeper says "I'm sorry, I can give you fifteen more minutes in the booth."
The Expert goes back in the booth. Fifteen minutes later, the Expert comes out of the booth shaking his head. 'I don't understand it, I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make, and I still can't recognize any of those!' 

The shop owner looks at the LP and says to the Expert."I'm so sorry, I just realized I was playing you the B side." 

[paul]

You're on a roll truck LOL ...........did someone get you a joke book for xmas ?

[truck]

You're on a roll truck LOL ...........did someone get you a joke book for xmas ?

HA! I thought I would try and take up the slack as I figured you had gone quiet and might be on a well deserved Christmas holiday the past few weeks:rendeer:.

[BanditDave]

it didn't take long

[GSX1100G]

Love it !.
Just stole that and put it on another forum .

[BanditDave]

Please excuse the grammar!

[GSX1100G]

[Chook]

[GSX1100G]

A frend asked me on New Year's Eve what we could expect next Year? 

I said I don't have 2020 vision!

[Chook]

[GSX1100G]

[truck]

Which flower hives you the most kisses on Valentines Day?

Tulips.

 

[paul]

Students at a local school were assigned to read and review 2 books,    'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton  One student turned in the following book review, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!        His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report...        Titanic: Book Cost - $29.99        Clinton : Book Cost - $29.99        Titanic: Over 3 hours to read       Clinton : Over 3 hours to read        Titanic: A story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.    Clinton : A story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.        Titanic: Jack is a starving artist   Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.       Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.    Clinton : Ditto for Bill        Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.    Clinton : Ditto for Monica.        Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.    Clinton : Let's not go there        Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.    Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.        Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.   Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.        Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.    Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing!

[truck]

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. 

The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. 
He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. 

As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. 

All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[paul]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!

[BanditDave]

I've got a mate (only one!) with a Harley.

I suggested to him that if he got the sniffles or even a runny nose that he should phone me.

I could go around his place and pick up the bike in my trailer.

Once at home I could break it down into parts and flog them on Gumtree.

I don't think he is my mate any more


​​​​​​​P.S. This is not a true story

[GSX1100G]

[BanditDave]

Here's some educational reading that will help you forget you predicament.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jepte3I9NqQ&t=113s

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