The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

[paul]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day 
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, 
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did 
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that 
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls 
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on 
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per 
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early 
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that 
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. 
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called 
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much 
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the 
bull wins."

[BanditDave]

Better than a Flu Shot!   
  Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a   seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this, pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? 
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 

[paul]

[Chook]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: 
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".


One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."




Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!  

[paul]

[BanditDave]

The Age of Privacy


Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
 
Of course I was a bit on edge because some of my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
 
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.” 
​​​​​​​
 The room erupted in applause!

[paul]

ABDULLAH IN THE NURSING HOME 

  An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. 
  All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had  to put him in an Italian home. 
  After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 

  How do you like it here?" asked the grandson"

  It's wonderful!  Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said  grandpa.

  "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since 
  you are a little different from everyone."

  "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah 
  said with a big smile.

  "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, 
  and everyone still calls him "Maestro"!> 
  There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years 
  and everyone still calls him "Your Honour".>
 
 There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and 
  everyone still calls him "Doctor"!

  And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me "The Fucking Arab".

[paul]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. 
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 
'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, 
" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

[truck]

A rapist and con artist get caught by a sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the town's people.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to a post and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. And, since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to punch him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to [get their licks in]. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

[BanditDave]

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized
throughout the civilized world but we all need
to be reminded from time to time.

  
In General: 
  
1.       Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 
  
2.       Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 
 
3.       It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 
 
4.       If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 
 
5.       Even if you're certain you're included in the will,
it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. 
 
Eating Out: 
  
1.       When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 
  
2.       If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. 
  
Entertaining at Home: 
  
1.       A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 
  
2.       Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. 
  
Personal Hygiene: 
  
1.       While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys. 
  
2.       Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 
  
3.       Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 
  
4.       Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no,
it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman
it can draw attention away from your jewellery. 
  
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette: 
  
1.       Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 
  
2.       Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you. 
  
Weddings: 
  
1.       Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
  
2.       For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper
can create a tacky appearance. 
  
3.       Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. 
  
Driving Etiquette: 
  
1.       Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 
  
2.       When entering a roundabout, the vehicle
with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 
  
3.       Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 
  
4.       When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 
  

[Chook]

A man with 2 golf balls in his pocket sits beside a blonde, she stares at his crotch, "Golf Balls" he says!
......... Blonde replies, "does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow?"

[BanditDave]

Subject: The Black Bra Story

The Black Bra (as told by a married woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.


One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress :
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?

[Chook]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...


Tiger says "Stevie, How's the singing career going?"


Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"


Woods    replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."


Stevie:    "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
                Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."


Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"


Stevie:    "Yes, I've been playing for years."


 
Tiger:     "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"


Stevie:    "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice
                and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
                farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."


"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.


"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and
I just play the ball towards his voice."


Tiger: "What's your handicap?"


Stevie:    "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."


Woods    says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."


Stevie:    "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.  Is that a problem?"


Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,  I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.  When would you like to play?"


Stevie:     "Pick a night."

[Chook]

Your DUCK IS DEAD


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..


"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."


You know the drill  .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.

[Chook]

*WARNING*
If you have a GPS sat nav that you can change the voice on, don't select Bono from U2, I did, 


..... now the streets have no name and I still don't know what I'm looking for!

[paul]

[paul]

JEWELLERY  SHOP

A  lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,  spots a  beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she  bends over  to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very  embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has  noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up  right now.
As  she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman  standing right behind her.  
Cool  as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets  the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very  uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there  at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price  of this lovely bracelet?"  
He  answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit  yourself when I tell you the price."  

[Chook]

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

[Chook]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" 




I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

[paul]

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" 




I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

Not only that , it will make her feel like a " real " woman .

[Chook]

[madmax]

*WARNING*
If you have a GPS sat nav that you can change the voice on, don't select Bono from U2, I did, 


..... now the streets have no name and I still don't know what I'm looking for!

[madmax]

You're killing me here chook

[Chook]

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