The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

Top 10 Murphy's Laws of Motorcycling

1. A motorcycle will not fall over without a crowd present.
2. The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and the owners ego (the newness and expense of the bike may also factor into this).
3. Moving motorcycles are to juicy bugs what U.S. Navy carriers once were to kamikaze pilots.
4. You will not feel a need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit.
5. The fact that your keys are in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put your gloves on.
6. Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed.
7. The only part you really need will also be the only one on permanent backorder.
8. Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer.
9. You will never have a flat tire on the road unless you leave the flat repair kit a home.
10. Universal kit accessories are so named because they fit no bike in the universe. 

[Re-Cycled]

[Bosco15]

That's one thing that we have noticed, by their abscence. 
They don't seem to want to infiltrate Japan. 
Not one yet. 
What is Australia doing wrong that Japan is doing right?
I'm not being racist because it's a religion.

[2wheelsagain]

That's one thing that we have noticed, by their abscence. 
They don't seem to want to infiltrate Japan. 
Not one yet. 
What is Australia doing wrong that Japan is doing right?
I'm not being racist because it's a religion.

You've forgotten or ignored Japans own terrorist attack?
Remember the Sarin Gas in their Subway?
I'm sure they're on high alert.

[madmax]

I was reading somewhere the other day that Japan wont allow public displays of worship, no religious dress and no mosques.
Where we allow anything to go on in the interest of being politically correct.
That might have something to do with it.

[barry_mcki]

There were also that contractor and journalist who were killed earlier this year after the Japanese Government refused to pay the $200 million ransom, unfortunately this terror war does not discriminate.

[paul]

[paul]

Sound effects for electric bikes.........................



http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=31a_1444058444

[madmax]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature. That buttered toast always falls butter-down.


He rushes round to the Presbytery to fetch the Priest. He tells the Priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flanagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Fr Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. “Well,” says the Priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.2

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr Flanagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the Bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”


An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by Priests of the Archdiocese, but by Scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative however,  it reads:


"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted  from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

[paul]

[truck]

Went to the Doctors for a check up and he said "eaten anything fatty"?
I said "like Macdonalds burgers or icecream"?

He said "No, have you eaten anything, Fatty"?


               

[paul]

Went to the Doctors for a check up and he said "eaten anything fatty"?
I said "like Macdonalds burgers or icecream"?

He said "No, have you eaten anything, Fatty"?


               

You must have the same doctor as me .............he also says " don't you want to see your grand kids grow up " and stuff like " we send sympathy cards " ...............last time I asked him to see it now because I wouldn't be able to read it when he had to send it 

[Chook]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[paul]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class,
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
 
I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
 
'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
 
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
 
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
me into heaven?'
 
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
 
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
 
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
***************

[madmax]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[paul]

Temperance

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, 
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!'


With even greater emphasis he said, 
'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!!'


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!!!'


Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

'For our closing song, Let us sing

Hymn 365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[Chook]

A lady invited some important people to dinner. She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down".

[madmax]

[truck]

A Spanish magician says he's going to disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... Dos..."
Then, poof!! He disappears without a tres

[paul]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.  The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.
I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish”.
      

[paul]

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." 
So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." 
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. 
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" 
The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." 
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! 
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. 


The Indian then began screaming, 
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Chook]

An elderly man owned a large farm which had a large pond down the back with a picnic table, horseshoe court, and some apple and peach trees. 

One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and collect some fruit so he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to carry the fruit in. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” 

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked” 

Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the crocodile” 

[Chook]

A 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a  vehicle  pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed," replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver.

"No way," replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY Dollars, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy.

"OK, I know what you want.  I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies," the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.

 

 



The boy replied, “Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Jeep - you live with it!"

[Chook]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked the retired man about his activity level.


The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week outdoors, and yesterday was a typical day:



"I walked for 3 hours through pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake and fell over in the mud, injuring my knee.

I pushed my way through 2 kms of thorn bushes and got sand in my shoes and eyes (that's why they're red).

I barely avoided stepping on a tiger snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

I relieved myself behind some big trees and then I had to run away from an irate wombat.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a couple of scotches and 3 beers."


Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "Goodness, you're one hell of an outdoors man!"


"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really shit golfer!"

[Chook]

Wiremu,a New Zealander, was in England to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor . "Hey doc,I don't feel so good,ey" said Wiremu. 


The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. 


"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey! " The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. 


Not surprisingly ,Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. 


The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey " 
" What's the  cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer . 
" Well, Wiremu, said the Kiwi doctor " Wi're gpnna huv to cut off your balls." 
" Phew,thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu. " those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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