The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[SVDon]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
  
"What   happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.  
 
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
  
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."  
 
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. 
 

"Paddy.  I told you there must be a simple explanation:  She never got your E-mail!" 

[SVDon]

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
 
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
 
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
 
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
 

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"

[madmax]

[paul]

Sex Wisdom 

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple , the women herself offers the other one . And that was the origin of : "Buy one get one free" ! 

2. Life is like a dick , sometimes it becomes hard for no reason. 

3. Practical thought : A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet , not her eyes . A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard , not his life ..! 

4. Before sex , you help each other get naked . After sex , you dress only yourself . 
Moral : In life no one helps you once you're screwed. 

5. When a lady is pregnant , all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats" ! But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say : "Well done !" . Moral : Hard work is never appreciated - Only result matters .

[paul]

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!


Jerry said, We've got to give it back.


Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?


Sally said, No.


Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.


Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.  

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.


Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......


The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

[Chook]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living being with cheap, wicked women,
Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[paul]

The Cremated Husband
 Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me? I bought that, too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?

"Here it comes."

[paul]

Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time 
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless 
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing 
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you 
Give me a hard time about it. 
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no 
Good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up. 

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. 

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
Wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, 
Shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
And were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece 
Of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he 
Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

[paul]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 


Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' 


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.' 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 


One more.. . ! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[paul]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not yelling and screaming like his passengers...

[Chook]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...'
Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

[Chook]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[gazzar]

The definitive explanation of ...
MARKETING


This will clear up any confusion ...
You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising..

You see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm...
And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.
He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.
He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of
one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now

[Chook]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), 
MUST NOT BEAT ME, 
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! 
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. 
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!" 
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" 
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

[Chook]

SENIOR SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Chook]

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...while I get my hat!"

[Chook]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!!..

[paul]

[Chook]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at the recently married couple's house. 
She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. 
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

[Chook]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[paul]

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. 
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your Grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.'



Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. 
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[paul]

An oldie but a goodie.................

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . In and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan
louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a
piercing scream . . . .
She shouted:
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!" 

[paul]

Ivan Milatt and his friend were walking through the forest, when his friend says, "Gee Ivan, It sure is scary walking through here at night."
"Its all right for you" says Ivan.
"You dont have to come back alone."

[paul]

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. 

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" 

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again. The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, " What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. 


Is he nuts ? " 

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Chook]

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"

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